I had been asking my wife if she was interested in reading my blog and it kept feeling like it wasn’t that big of a deal to her to read it. This made me frustrated and when I thought about why this was I figured out that I wanted her to see me as wise. That is not to say that the reason I write what I write here is just to prove myself to her, but that that was something I wanted. I of course was thinking through this self examination within myself; my quietness making my wife think she had done something wrong. She hadn’t but I didn’t feel comfortable telling her that the reason I kept mentioning that I wanted her to read my blog was so that I may have a chance of her thinking me wise. I was embarresed about sharing this with her, and I am not really sure why it was embarressing, perhaps because part of me feels I shouldn’t look for approval from her for me being wise, or anything else other than a good husband. It also might have been just the vulnarability I would feel if I did tell her.
Well I came to the point where I told her that I couldn’t talk to her about what was on my mind but she could read about it when I blogged it. Can you say bad idea?
She was very hurt that I was unwilling to trust her with what I was experiencing and that I would rather “talk” to my computer rather than her. I didn’t mean it that way of course, and we had done something similar in the past, where we would write to each other in a journal if there was ever anything that was difficult to speak about. I thought it was pretty much the same as this but not in her mind.
Anyways after telling her the whole wisdom quandry I went through, we argued some to try to get at how we hurt one another. This is tough becasue neither one of us wants to be wrong, to be the one that hurt the other, but it happens frequently. We have always made up after though, praise God. Marriage is tough especially when you wish your spouse could read your mind and know what you want. And sometimes it does feel to hard to continue, but God always gets us through it, which unfortunately is soooooo difficult to remember during the next argument but I will just keep trying.
